I work out every day. I eat healthy foods, generally of the organic and vegetarian persuasions. I eat reasonable portions, and try not to snack, though if I’m being honest, I probably enjoy ice cream a bit too much.
On Sunday night, after eating two large slices of pizza, Brandon and I settled in for the night with our friend Chris for the premier of the new HBO drama Boardwalk Empire (which, by the way, is fabulous). Brandon made garlic and artichoke hummus (yep, homemade!) and I served us the type of beverage that seemed appropriate for a group of friends watching a TV show about the Prohibition Era.
Monday morning came; I went to the gym before an early morning meeting. When I got home, I quick hopped in the shower and dressed immediately, before having a chance to weigh myself. I paused: I could either undress and weigh myself accurately, or I could keep going about my day without checking in on my BMI.
I chose not to weigh myself on Monday, and for some reason, it scared me. Perhaps this project has taught me not so much about overcoming fears; I think it’s taught me more about areas that I am overly dependent or insecure.
Sure, I probably care too much about my weight. I’ve heard stories of women who walk around Target and Macy’s and other such places that sell scales, armed with Post-It Notes reading “Your worth is not defined by a number” that they leave on boxes of those dreaded machines. And, realistically, I’m aware of that –if the issue is undue self-worth, my brain is the culprit, not my waistline. I think the issue is not weight, in and of itself, but my obsession with results. I need to meet targets, set goals, measure outcomes in order to track my success.
It was a good reminder: worth and success cannot always be quantified. Health and fitness are both processes, not products, as is my own journey of self-awareness and discovery. It’s comforting to remember that I don’t need to count spiritual calories.